i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
