just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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