So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I puked a lego.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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