Betty ford says i'm here all night
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
