You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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