well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
