Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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