he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
