Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Two words: blizzard sex
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
