How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
