My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
