So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
