I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
