she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
