you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
