If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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