Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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