if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
