Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Pants are for mortals
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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