You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
