I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
you had me at cake vodka
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
