Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
