I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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