I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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