they said they heard you say put it in my butt
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
