remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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