Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
