party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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