Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
