omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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