if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
