I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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