The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
