When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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