He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
