Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
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I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize