saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
