I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
