My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
