Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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