apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
