He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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