i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
