We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
