How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
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Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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