I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
