I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
