and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
