you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Are we still banned from the library?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
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