its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
COCAINE IS GR8
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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