Just cropdusted the office
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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