I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
