I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
