then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
