I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
