I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
